


selfless things

by constellationfights



Category: Persona 5
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Sharing a Bed, it's just about sharing space and time and energy!!!, kind of. you'll see, you get me!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28014642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constellationfights/pseuds/constellationfights
Summary: Makoto didn't bring flowers. It seemed a little grotesque. Flowers only lasted a few days before wilting, and Haru was a gardener. She grew things; she didn't watch them die. Surely she'd had enough of death.Haru Okumura's father has just passed away, and Makoto Niijima knows she has to do something. It's just a matter of how much Haru is willing to take when she can hardly even admit she's in pain.
Relationships: Niijima Makoto/Okumura Haru
Comments: 6
Kudos: 64





	selfless things

Makoto didn't bring flowers. It seemed a little grotesque. Flowers only lasted a few days before wilting, and Haru was a gardener. She grew things; she didn't watch them die. Surely she'd had enough of death.

So Makoto brought seeds. Tomatoes, mint, daisies, basil. Everything she could grab and the local store and run. Something Haru could grow. Something that could last.

Ice cream, brownies, mac and cheese, too. Makoto had never rushed to a friend's aid after a messy breakout, but this kind of comfort food seemed right. Not that this was a breakup situation. But certainly comfort would help. Hopefully, it would.

When Haru opened the door, she looked normal. Mostly. There was no mascara curling down her face, her hair was as perfectly coiffed and fluffy as always, she wasn't any paler. But that normal Haru was consumed by a massive hoodie Makoto had never seen before. It was a blanket, a shield, a hideaway. Maybe she had zipped it up just to feel okay. As long as Haru was safe, and some hazy memory of happy, it would be okay. 

"Hi, Haru. How are you?" Makoto was honest, honestly concerned, honest as she could be. But Haru gave her signature smile and gave a signature diversion as she pushed the door open just a bit further.

"I'm okay. Thank you for coming, Mako-chan. Come in, please. Make yourself comfortable."

Makoto had never been inside Haru's home before. She knew it would be big, it seemed massive from the outside, but something about stepping inside and recognizing just how small you were in comparison made it harder to breathe. She spoke quickly to avoid silence filling the space.

"I like your hoodie. I don't think I've ever seen you in it before."

"Oh! That's because you haven't." She let out a soft giggle. "Ryuji-kun lent it to me. He asked me if I needed anything and I joked I wanted a big boy's hoodie but. He took it seriously. It was very sweet of him."

Ryuji? Makoto hadn't realized they were so close. She hadn't noticed the two of them together much. They weren't...were they? 

Maybe she just hadn't noticed Sakamoto. She'd only paid attention to Haru. Maybe.

And so, fittingly, only Haru's voice broke Makoto out of her thoughts. 

"What brings you here today, Mako-chan?” she chimes. 

"I wanted to give you a few things to hopefully make this moment a little easier. Or at least more comfortable." Makoto pulls out the comfort food first. It’s easier to explain. "Hopefully this can be dinner for a day or two, and then plenty of dessert...not particularly healthy, but..."

"It's wonderful. Thank you so much. You didn't have to get all this for me."

"It's really no problem. And actually, I have a few more things--"

"Oh! That's really too kind of you."

Haru seemed genuinely grateful, but there was still that note of cheery politeness that rang hollow in Makoto's ears.  _ How long will she keep pretending like she's okay? _

_ Does she know she doesn't have to pretend with me? _

Evidently not. 

But Makoto presented the seeds anyway, uncertain how Haru would react. She started second guessing, thinking about how Haru gardened for fun, that was her whole thing, she would already have all the seeds she needed and more, not to mention she's  _ rich-- _

But she turned to Haru, who had picked up the packets of seeds, tilting her head, an unreadable gleam in her eyes.

"I...I was thinking I should start a garden here at home. This might be a good time for it. This might..." She let out a little laugh. "Mako-chan...thank you. Thank you."

And before Makoto could react, Haru had thrown her arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a warm, shaking embrace. She felt the blood rushing to heat her face up to a warm pink. She hoped that Haru wouldn't notice.

As Haru broke away, her breath shuddered a bit, and she wiped at her eyes. She wasn't going to notice Makoto's flush, that much was certain. But...was she crying? Had Makoto's last minute gesture really been so effective?

If she was crying, Haru wiped it away quickly. 

"You're very welcome," Makoto finally mustered up the will to say. 

Haru took a moment to spread the seeds across the table. She gave each of them their own place, touched each of them in turn, let herself appreciate all the choices Makoto had made, let herself think about the future for once. 

Just as Makoto had taken in a breath to speak, Haru turned to her.

"Do you have some time to stay for a bit? We can...order some delivery, watch something on TV...whatever you want."

"I'd love to stay," said Makoto, unsure that her slight smile was even close to appropriate in this situation. But she couldn't hold it back. "I'm up for anything, really."

"Oh! Wonderful. Well...we can go over to the couch and see what we can find on the TV, yeah?"

"Of course. Just show the way."

Haru gave a smile and nodded before clasping her hands together and turning to walk deeper into the house. Within a few moments, they had arrived.

It was a lovely, perfectly designed living room in a minimalist style, the kind of thing you spend thousands of yen to someone to tell you to spend thousands of yen on furniture. Beautiful. Massive. Pristine. Sterile. 

"Thank you for agreeing to spend some time with me." Haru sat down on the grey couch, gesturing at Makoto to sit down, make herself comfortable. So Makoto did - about three feet away.

"Of course. It seems like you could use a little company. It must be pretty easy to get a little lonely in here."

"You've got that right. The house is so big. I don't think I ever realized how big it is. And it's not like Dad spent  _ that _ much time here. It's not like the house lost that much presence." She blinked. "Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I've just gotten smaller, somehow."

Haru sucked in a breath and turned away from the subject just as quickly. "Do you have any idea of what you'd like to watch, Mako-chan?"

"Anything's good, really." 

In truth, she couldn't care less what was on the TV. She wouldn't be able to pay attention to it, anyway. That lapse in Haru's bearing, the first one she'd seen this whole time that showed any sign that she was a grieving girl, it pulled Makoto back to the theme park, back as the Phantom Thieves watched their change of heart turn to a brutal death. 

Haru had turned away before Makoto could analyze the creases of her brow, the muscles of her mouth. All she had to go on was the sound of Haru's feet as she ran away. 

Makoto had promised the rest of the Phantom Thieves that she would reach out, she would take care of it. She exuded a confidence she didn't have, knowing that nothing was right.

The moment she had gotten out of the park, away from the fireworks, she fumbled her tapping on her phone, frazzled, desperate to contact Haru as quickly as possible. 

Makoto held her breath as the beeping stopped and the call went through. 

At first, there was just empty air. Maybe Haru hadn’t actually picked up. But then, the sound of shuddering breath.

“Haru?” 

“He’s dead.”

The blunt edge of the word slammed into Makoto. 

“I didn’t make it on time. He was dead on arrival. I was too late. There was no way.” 

Makoto sucked in a quick breath. If this was how she felt, Haru must be feeling much, much worse. She had to do something. Now. 

"Haru. Text me your home address. I'm--"

_ Beep.  _

Haru did not reply to any of Makoto's texts. Every call went straight to voicemail. Makoto left six messages, each more desperate than the last, and then finally gave up. 

That night, she looked up Haru’s information in the school directory and sped over to her home. If she just could see Haru, know she was any fraction of okay, that would be enough. 

But when Makoto arrived, she was quickly blinded. Flashing lights and sirens overloaded all of her senses. And when she finally spotted Haru, she was caged in by police officers, all barraging her with questions as she stood still and empty. 

Makoto simply stared for a moment. What more could she do? And somehow, despite the noise, the officers tearing at her attention, Haru looked up and saw Makoto. 

Their eyes met, and Makoto waited for Haru to do something, say something with her gaze, with the tilt of her head. But all she did was shake her head, almost imperceptible from the distance, and turned away again, far and unreadable.

"Chinese delivery sound okay?"

Haru's voice in the present day reached to pull Makoto out of her recollections. There was some brightly colored movie playing on the TV, one she didn't remember saying yes to, but must've. It was easy to say yes without thinking about it.

"Yeah. Sounds great."

"Oh, good! You can just put in your order yourself..." Haru pushed herself across the couch and held out her phone. She stayed right next to Makoto as she ordered, and she stayed right there when she gave the phone back. Just inches between them. 

Makoto opened her mouth to make conversation and then paused. Maybe Haru was the kind of person who hated it when you talked during movies. Well...better to test the waters and break the silence. 

"So have you had many people coming over lately?"

"Just a few. Ryuji, I mentioned...Ann stopped by for a bit, I've been texting Akira so he'll probably drop by soon...but it's mostly just been police and prosecutors. Not exactly comforting visitors. Oh...and my fiance came over yesterday--"

"Wait. Fiance? You're still engaged to him?"

"...yes. He says the agreement is still legally binding. My dad didn't get to...so I...yes."

"Haru..."

"I don't have time to deal with it right now. I don't have time to be that selfish."

"It's not selfish."

"But it is. My dad is dead and here I am worrying about the same thing I was worrying about before.  He's dead, he was  _ murdered _ , and I...all I can think about is all the conversations I won't get to have with him with a changed heart. All these things I wanted to tell him, all these things I wanted to know. Like...him officially breaking off the engagement. A real smile on his face. It's all so selfish. And the only face of his I can picture is the one that's burned into everyone's head now. I barely remember what he really looked like. But that's not what I'm sad about. I'm sad that I didn't get to tear up my marriage contract. It's so selfish."

“I don’t think so. Not at all.”

Makoto could sense the resistance clawing at the inside of Haru’s mouth. It was no surprise when her next words emerged tense, clipped. 

“I guess we’ll simply have to disagree.”

Makoto's bet had failed. She didn't know what to say. She didn't have much practice with comforting. Her lungs flooded with relief when Haru was the one to change the subject.

“But...my fiance. Might've been worse than police and all. He said that if I ever get lonely now that my dad’s gone, that he’s there. If my bed ever gets cold,” she scoffed. 

“He didn’t try to...”

“No. He didn’t. He didn’t try to push me when I said no. At least he has the decency not to force a grieving girl.” 

“Hardly decent given what he was implying.”

“There’s nothing decent about him. That much is for sure.”

"Well, let's not think about him, then."

"That sounds like a good plan."

A beat of silence.

"Oh, it looks like the movie's almost over." 

Makoto hadn't noticed, hadn't paid even the slightest bit of attention to the movie while too focused on Haru. But she did note how easily Haru bounced back into that normal, cheery self. As if nothing had happened. It was almost chilling.

"Do you need to go, Mako-chan? Or would you be willing to stay and watch another movie?"

"I have time. Don't worry about me."

"Anything in particular you want to watch?"

There wasn't anything, and even if there was, Makoto would not have said a word about it. She told herself that was because she simply wanted to support Haru in whatever she wanted, instead of another mark in an endless tally list of times where she refused to let herself have an opinion. 

At least this time, she tried to pay attention to the movie, only taking a break to accept the delivery at the door. Or she did pay attention, until she noticed Haru's attention was very much elsewhere. 

_ What is she staring at? _

With a glance, Makoto recognized the colors, the text, the sharp edges, the ever-shifting poll. The numbers were slipping, less and less people saying the Phantom Thieves were just. And almost all the comments flickering by mentioned Okumura. 

**big bang indeed LOL**

**sooo they can kill people?**

**was he sick or something??**

**Thus begins the purge.**

**feels good man**

**what about his daughter?**

Haru looked blank. 

"Haru."

She didn't respond, didn't even shift or tense up to indicate she had heard. 

Makoto placed a firm hand on the phone. 

"Haru, maybe you should take a break from the Phan-site."

She didn’t look up. 

“Do you think it’s our fault?”

As much as Makoto wanted to say no, she couldn't conjure it. Not fully. Not truthfully.

"I don't know," she said with a sigh. "I don't think so. I've been on several missions with the Phantom Thieves and we didn't do anything different. It's highly unlikely that we had anything to do with it beyond the change of heart."

Haru said nothing, but she clicked her phone off and tossed it a few feet away on the couch. 

"Maybe you should get some rest soon. I can head out and give you some peace. Okay?"

"Okay."

She just remained staring down, over to the now dark phone. 

"Then I'll be heading out now. Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

Still as always. Makoto did her best not to sigh as she got up and began her walk alone out of the grieving girl's home. 

"Actually, Mako-chan. I..."

When Makoto turned back, Haru had finally turned her gaze up. The perfectly glassy smiling stare was gone. 

"You were right about....how easy it is to get lonely in this house. So I know it's kind of a big ask, but...if you were able to stay the night, I would appreciate it. But only if you want to, of course."

As if Makoto had ever learned how to say no. And Haru was offering her a place far away from her own broken home, not that this one was particular more whole. It simply wasn't hers. 

And it was Haru. Any excuse to spend more time with her, even if they were asleep, was a good excuse. 

"I don't have anything I need to do tomorrow morning." A bit of a lie. "Of course I'll stay."

Haru softened, but didn't quite smile.

"Thank you, Mako-chan."

"Of course. It's no problem."

After a moment, Haru tilted her head. She took another moment, and then:

"Would you be okay with staring in my room? There's only one bed so one of us would have to sleep on the floor, but I don't mind that. I just...need someone near me."

Makoto heaved in a breath as if it would somehow extinguish the heat flaring up in her cheeks. 

"I don't mind at all. I totally understand. But I don't mind sleeping on the floor. Really."

Haru scoffed. "You're my guest, I can't have you sleep on the floor."

"Well, you're going through a rough time right now, and I as your friend will never stand for you sleeping on the ground."

"But that doesn't negate the duties I have as your hostess."

"And who's holding you to those duties? No one except yourself. And if your guest wants to sleep on the ground, then you should let them."

"But what if you know your guest is only saying that because of their own politeness?"

"What if I'm not?" Makoto said with a shrug. "Maybe I like sleeping on the ground. You can't prove otherwise."

Haru narrowed her eyes playfully. "No, I can't. But..."

"But...?"

She sighed and shook her head. "Fine. You can sleep on the ground. But you're taking the good blanket and pillow."

"Haru--"

"Let me be a good hostess, Mako-chan."

Haru stayed true to her word. The first thing she did upon arriving at her room was take the pillow and comforter off and neatly arrange it on the ground for Makoto. Then, dutifully, she started preparing to sleep, slipping into her own bed. Makoto noted that she didn't change out of the hoodie at all. She hardly did anything near to a nightly routine. She seemed like the kind of person who'd have one. Maybe she once did. Maybe it was gone now.

"Good night, Haru."

"Good night, Mako-chan."

Smiling at the honorific as if hearing it for the first time, Makoto drifted easily into sleep. The floor wasn't so bad. She floated into a dream, heard Haru's voice--

"Mako-chan. Are you awake?"

Haru laid a single hand lightly on Makoto's shoulder. The last thing she wanted to do was startle her awake. 

Makoto blinked the blurry remains of sleep from her eyes to see Haru crouching on the ground above her.

"What is it, Haru?"

“I...I had a nightmare.”

Even though she was still dazed from sleep, Makoto sat up as quickly as she could to raise herself up to Haru's level.

"What do you need?"

Haru simply stared back for a moment, and Makoto started preparing offerings in her mind. She could make her a cup of tea, grab her some of the chocolate she had brought, head back to the living room and find something to watch--

“I feel really silly asking for this, but...can you hold me?” 

A shared breath. 

"Of course." 

Makoto parted her arms, allowing Haru to crawl into an embrace, curling up to nestle her head on Makoto's shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare? Or do you just need to rest?"

Haru shifted ever so slightly. If she hadn't been wrapped up in Makoto's arms, there would've been no way Makoto could tell. 

"It was about my dad."

Makoto didn't respond, just wrapped her arms tighter around Haru.

"I just...what it must've felt like. The mental shutdown. Everything in your mind and then your whole body...gone in an instant...I...I imagined it was me, and..."

"You don't have to say any more if you don't want to."

"Even in my dream, just thinking about me. It's so selfish."

"...what?"

“I shouldn’t have done any of this. I never should’ve even mentioned my father’s name on the Phan-site. It’s my fault all of this happened. It’s all my fault. I’ve ruined everything by being so selfish.”

"You didn't. You did not ruin everything."

"My dad is  _ dead." _

It's a simple truth, but Makoto still had to take a moment to recover from recognizing it once again. 

_ " _ That doesn't mean it's your fault. And, regardless, what you did was not selfish."

"I don't know if that's true."

"You did what you needed to do to find happiness. That is not selfish. And something else came around and messed it up. It's not your fault. And...even though it's hard to see the good...you didn't ruin everything. You awakened your Persona. And now you have us. You have me.”

Haru tensed up for a moment, and Makoto was sure she would start weeping, or yelling. She prepared for an explosion.

But Haru simply relaxed, almost collapsed into Makoto. All of her weight, energy, laid onto Makoto, because she knew Makoto could hold it. And she would, as long as it took.

The house was quiet aside from the sound of the two girls' breath, slowly syncing together over time like metronomes. 

Makoto couldn't tell how much time had passed when she noticed that Haru somehow felt a bit heavier. Shifting slightly, she realized with a start that Haru had fallen asleep in her arms. 

_ Oh no. What do I do? _

Carrying her to the bed seemed like a bad call. Makoto was strong, but surely the lifting and moving would jolt Haru out of her rest. But simply leaving Haru to sleep on the ground while Makoto slept soundly in a rich girl's bed would go against the whole argument they'd had earlier. 

So Haru had to stay on the ground. And Makoto had to stay on the ground.

Well...that was simple enough.

She gently lowered Haru down to the ground, making sure her head was resting softly against the good pillow, making sure she was neatly tucked into the good blanket. Then Makoto grabbed a pillow for herself off the bed and set it up a few feet away from Haru on the ground. Before she closed her eyes, though, she glanced over to the sleeping girl beside her.

Haru honest, and at peace. 

The edges of her lips curled up as she rolled her head back and stared up at the ceiling. There were a million thoughts fluttering through Makoto's mind, but one stood out among them all.

She very much would like to be invited back sometime. 


End file.
